Thursday 7 April 2011

Al Fayed Gots Michael's Jesus Juice

Michael Jackson Statue Erected At Craven Cottage
One universally recognised fact about statues: they're reserved for only people of the highest significance in their field of expertise and are rightfully erected (if you laughed at erected, I'm disappointed in you, very disappointed) in a place befitting of their life and legacy.

Examples include Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, London, the statue of Bobby Moore at Wembley, and, inevitably, a memorial to Nick Clegg's service to the arts of backstabbing and deception outside of the Houses of Parliament - oh no he didn't!
However, earlier this week, Fulham Football Club's chairman, Mohamed Al Fayed, rather strangely, unveiled a statue of pop legend Michael Jackson at Fulham's home ground, Craven Cottage.

Now, understandably, like a cow wearing human clothes, the statue was met with mixed responses. The more negative of those largely coming from the football club's fans, whilst the more positive, presumably, came from anyone that lacks eyes.

The adverse opinions are perfectly understandable seeing as Jackson's ties with the club are weaker than Hanson's 'strong hand' in Scary Movie 2. In fact, the singer was only a visitor to Fulham's home ground on a single occasion.

The latest, slightly tasteless, twist in this ongoing story is that the chariman himself, Mohamed Al Fayed, has told any fans who dislike the controversial statue that they can "go to hell", and placed the aforementioned statement on the same platform as going "to Chelsea instead" - sure MoMo, I'm sure they're both equally as bad.

Anyway, regardless of whether fans like it or not, Al Fayed insists that the statue is there to stay despite it looking like Cher with a ponytail and a slightly melted face.

A Luna Landing...Following A Luna Jump
Don't Fuck With Luna The Cow
Faster than a fox on a jet ski, more powerful than my right hand after a long, long day alone and able to jump hurdles in a single bound: Luna the cow has become the world's first show jumping cow.

15-year-old Regina Mayer from Laufen, Germany, has both raised and trained Luna the cow with the ambition of becoming a professional show jumper astride the four-legged phenomenon.

Mayer turned to the cow as her saviour in fulfilling her dream of becoming a show jumper after her parents denied her the wish of getting a horse for her birthday.

I've got to be honest, if you look at the photo of the cow jumping, it's equivalent to me walking onto the curb of a pavement and getting a round of applause for it. Proof, once again, that white cows can't jump.

Sorry, We Don't Recycle Pricks.
A 28-year-old man has been rescued from a recycling bin in Bradley Stoke, Bristol, after attempting to steal garments from the aforementioned bin.

Fucked, Proper Fucked
The man tried to retrieve the clothing by entering the bin headfirst whilst an accomplice grabbed hold of the man's legs in an effort to prevent him from falling into the bin. The effort failed.

The guy ended up trapped in the metal container until emergency services came to rescue him.

I take two issues with this story. Firstly, as my childhood love of Sesame Street had taught me, Oscar the Grouch inhabits all bins of all kinds, clearly. So why didn't he deal with the thief? Secondly, what the fuck could have possibly convinced the moron that diving headfirst into a recycling bin was a good idea?

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