The Black Plague

Holy Sh*t, Saturday Comes After Friday!?

First, there was the Jonas Brothers, then Bieber Fever and now - the Black Plague. Admittedly, this Black Plague won’t kill almost half the population of Europe, but I’m sure that percentage will be left dead on the inside by it.

So what day does come after Friday, which seat should we take if multiple options present themselves, and just how far can the utter stupidity of some people stretch itself? All of these are valid questions, and all are legitimately answered in thirteen year-old Rebecca Black’s debut single, Friday.

I literally can’t describe the song or the video, and I don’t particularly want to, at risk of being charged with assisted suicide. In fact, the only way I can put it is, imagine if Rainman had a pen, his own recording company and a calendar, then dumb it down a bit.

The main issue I take with the video stems down to three things. Firstly, where the fuck did the bus go? Secondly, how did a group of thirteen year-olds get access to a car? And Thirdly, surely there's something just a little bit amiss with a middle-aged stereotypical bloated version of Usher heading to the same party as said thirteen year-olds.

The YouTube phenomenon has sparked more criticism than praise and will definitely leave you in a state of confusion. Like Lost, Rebecca Black’s debut single will leave you with more questions than answers, but, sadly, unlike Lost, she isn’t trapped on an island for all eternity.

I think whether you like it or not, Rebecca Black is here to stay along with Justin Bieber, Willow Smith and all the other little antichrists. So, unless you can fart out Alphabetti Spaghetti to make better lyrics than Black’s (which you probably can), I'd get used to it.

Sorry it's such a short post this week guys! I've been seriously busy, and for that reason, there won't be a usual second post tomorrow, but normal service will resume next week! Keep up the views too, your support has been amazing, and the blog couldn't have progressed at all without you!

Elbow & My Pick Of The Weekend's Music

Band Of The Week - Elbow

New Album: Build A Rocket Boys!

At first glance, Elbow may not seem to live up to their larger than life hype; it may seem hard to understand how the music portrays the band’s bigger picture, but that’s just it. You can’t understand the bigger picture until you’re on the same wavelength as the smaller one, and this is where Elbow excel.  



Lead singer, Guy Garvey, depicts an improbable artist on first impressions: burly, slightly uncouth and seemingly bereft of confidence. His lack of confidence is present throughout the band’s new album, Build A Rocket Boys!, as he wrestles from head to heart in an effort to form an accurate portrait of his hometown of Manchester.

The bearded frontman’s brushstrokes allow the sullen to meet the soothing in what is perhaps the most complete album of the year, so far. I said before that at first glance Garvey appears to lack in confidence, and though that may be true, his words evoke a state of rapture that is unmatched in warmth and wholesomeness by any other band.

Elbow are by no means the product of a bygone generation of music, nor are they of a current trend, they’re something so much more.

On their latest single, Lippy Kids, Garvey and his troupe manage to, yet again, perfect the transition of making an ordinary story into something truly extraordinary, something reminiscent of a childhood memory, something brilliantly beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc5fX4TytFE

If You Listen To Anything This Weekend, Listen To...
Alex Turner - Piledriver Waltz:

Sheffield's Shakespeare - Alex Turner

Stare deep into the heart of any Arctic Monkey's song and you’ll always find the most unlikely looking of wordsmiths - Alex Turner. Turner has always had the ability to croon with an eerie sincerity about anything from life’s most tasking questions to its most trivial. If there’s a greater modern-day raconteur, I’d be surprised.

On the Sheffield lad’s latest adventure, he seeks to find solace in a more acoustic sound. Debut solo album, Submarine EP, marks the soundtrack to the new British comedy film of the same name. The standout single on the CD, Piledriver Waltz, sees Turner attempts to reassuringly serenade his audience through their experiences of heartbreak. A feat that he manages to do so effortlessly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uij9h6N2zzE

Vato Gonzalez ft. Foreign Beggars - Badman Riddim (Club Mix):
House music, take note. If you want an instant club classic, follow the same basic formula: lay down pulsating bassline, add generous portion of Foreign Beggars, wash, rinse, repeat. House music is undergoing somewhat of a revival in recent times under the eagle-eyed guidance of groups such as Swedish House Mafia, and the wheels aren't showing signs of slowing up any time soon.



Introducing Vato Gonzalez - an artist fresh out of Holland that looks set to break the mould for how underground dance music should sound. His sound is one that wreaks havoc on the senses in the best way possible, and with the aid of the Foreign Beggars, the upcoming DJ definitely looks to have a hit firmly within his reach with Badman Riddim.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PaRVAdD4XY

Atlantis Found?

Artist Depiction Of What Atlantis May Look Like

Earlier this week, a research team situated in southern Spain stumbled upon evidence that has lead them to believe that they may have found the lost city of Atlantis. Whether you believe in it or not, the tale of Atlantis brings with it the most intriguing story of both the rise and fall of a civilisation.

Atlantis was believed to be the hub of technology in its prime, a vast metropolis that was rich in culture, wealth and science, all of which were not enough for it to evade its inevitable downfall. All in all, legend dictates that Atlantis may have been home to the most advanced civilisation for around 10,000 years after its own inception.

Its story carries a truth, once seen as fiction, that bears all the more symmetry and, as a consequence, relevance to that of recent events in Japan. I say it bears symmetry to this week’s events in Asia simply because Atlantis itself is believed to have succumbed to the sea in around 1500BC.

The team, led by university professor, Richard Freund, have utilised the most hi-tech deep-ground radar, digital mapping, and underwater technology available to them to survey the Dona Ana Park just to the north of Spain’s south coast. The results that they received revealed cities bearing architectural resemblance to that suspected of Atlantis.

It’s theorised that the few Atlanteans that were able to escape the city in time attempted to build similar cities further afield, in Spain. Whether the city exists or not, the latest area that scientists suspect Atlantis of being buried beneath has been rife with tsunamis since records began.

Only time will tell if this latest discovery bears any substance at all.

"I Have Had It With These Motherfucking Snakes On This Motherfucking Plane"

Holy Crap, She Has No Eyelids

If you don’t like Snakes on a Plane, you have no hope in life – not my words, but the words of Samuel Jackson, probably. Anyway, onto my first story of the weird and wonderful. A snake died this week, after attempting to nom on a model’s fake breast.

Self-described "beautiful", Israeli model, Orit Fox, was bitten on the breast by a snake that was being used as a prop in her photoshoot after she attempted to lick its face. Straightaway, I think there’s a lesson to be learnt for all of us in this – snakes love boobs too.

Remarkably, the snake died from silicone poisoning. The model, however, only received what looked like a flat tyre, but on her chest. I really do sympathise with the snake. I mean, not only did it die after having its face licked, but it also had to pose with a model that looks like a deflated Pamela Anderson with no eyelids.

Here’s the video if any of you guys want to see it - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OIx9FG44dY
　
Tick, Tick, Boom  
Now, if in times of severe crisis, say if you suspected a package of containing a bomb for example, who would you trust? A bomb squad, naturally. This is exactly what workers at a post office in Russia thought earlier in the week. 

Six-Inch Torpedo Of Death

The bomb squad arrived, expecting to see the most harrowing of sites when they finally opened the package. However, the layers of the suspected bomb-containing package unravelled to reveal a vibrating sex toy, which had just so happened to turn itself on.

As harrowing as that may indeed be, I’m no expert, but I don’t think vibrators have a built-in function to explode. I know what you’re thinking, ‘what an anti-climax’, which leads to me thinking, ‘that’s what she said’. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Seriously though, thankfully no one was hurt and the vibrator presumably faces a prison sentence for attempted murder.

Finally guys, if you haven't done so already, please join the official Facebook page advertised in the sidebar so I can keep you updated with the blog. I can't stress enough just how thankful I am for all the support, but keep promoting the blog by sharing it with your friends, it really makes a difference.

8.9 Earthquake Hits Japan Followed By Tsunami



Cars Were Buried Under Rubble

The world awakens today to face a horrifying reality that has become typical of modern times, but heightened by the sheer astounding nature of it all. Earlier today, at 1446 local time (0546 GMT), an earthquake, measuring 8.9 on the Richter magnitude scale, struck just of the coast of Honshu, Japan. What followed served to only intensify the chaos as a 33ft tsunami blitzed the Japanese seaboard.

Japan is renowned for its seismic activity, and has encountered several tremors measuring 8.0 on the Richter scale since in the past. The pure power of this great nation's latest tremor, however, will surely go down as the worst natural disaster in the country's history.

Today is most certainly a day that sees all of our own problems pale into insignificance.

The story of the megaquake began in the early afternoon, rupturing just off the north-east coast of Japan. Although initial damage seemed to be minimal, a further 19 aftershocks, that were felt as far to the west as Beijing, China, were the consequence of nature's opening foray. The greatest, in magnitude, of the aftershocks measured, an astonishing, 7.1 on the Richter scale, registering it as even more lethal than last month's earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand.  


The Epicentre Of The Earthquake

The tsunami that followed, waded into the port of Sendai city bereft of any mercy as it tossed ships and cars aside as if they were nothing before reducing the city's buildings to driftwood. Current reports register the death toll at 44, but with much of the nation isolated and out of contact, this figure is sure to rise.

Evacuations are currently taking place throughout the Pacific and even on the west coast of North America in fear that more tsunamis may hit elsewhere around the globe.

While the world can only wait with bated breath, the vast torrent of destruction this latest natural disaster has yielded has caused untold amounts of damage throughout the Japanese coastline and the outlook is definitely grim. In times of need, however, is when our planet seems to be at its strongest and a recovery over time is indefinite.

Tigers Introduced Into Sheen Family Gene Pool

Story Of The Week


Mr Sheen when he's not flying round on a dusting cloth

Between shovelling handfuls - okay - truckloads of pancakes into my face and listening to Adele’s new album whilst weeping like a little girly girl over the past few weeks, I couldn’t help but notice that Mr Carlos Irwin Estevez – more famously known as Charlie Sheen – has finally hit breaking-point.

I know what you’re thinking: thank the sweet baby J that there’s not going to be another series of Two and a Half Men. But, in all seriousness, Sheen is clearly experiencing a traumatic period of his life. I can’t quite decide whether it’s tragic or just downright hilariously outlandish. On one hand, the guy’s champagne lifestyle is clearly catching up with him, but on the other, he claims to have "tiger blood", which is hard not to love.

As hyperbolic a statement as it may be to say that the makeup of your blood defies biology, it’s nothing compared to some of the other farfetched rants the 45 year-old actor has reeled off in a timeframe spanning the last 11 days. In fact, if Sheen said he was a transformer tomorrow, I would quite easily believe him, and even refer to him as Optimus Prime if he told me to.

Charlie Sheen’s recent public escapades haven’t been left wanting in terms of humour or in terms of recognition for the sheer audacity of it all. However, the fact of the matter is that he’s just revealed himself to be the pretentious asshole he’s always been suspected to be behind the scenes. I’d still sign a petition approving a one man series based on Charlie Sheen instead of another series on Sheen, that camp guy and the fat kid, but that’s not the point.

The Weird & the Wonderful
Judge Dread
When it comes to judges, there are many descriptions that spring to mind all befitting of their nature; refined, clinical, even fair (occasionally…), however, ‘hard as nails’ can now be added to that list.

Judge Douglas Marks Moore is not only in possession of the World’s most middle class name, but also of a rugby tackle that can knock a paedophile clean onto his backside. Mr Marks Moore demonstrated so on sex offender Paul Reid, who had been trying to escape court, in a repeat of an event that yielded greater success just two years earlier.

In my, humble and totally reasonable, opinion, the judge should be knighted and the only way he could possibly go up any further in my estimations would be if he had uttered the line, ‘hold my wig’ to a member of the jury before cleaning out the sex pest.

Here’s the link to that story - http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/233457/Judge-rugby-tackles-fleeing-sex-offender

Haha, bears in human clothes

Leave Henry Alone!

A dwarf entertainer known as Demon Dan has been banned from performing at an Oxford University college ball, because the college dean does not believe an act where Dan pulls a vacuum cleaner with only his penis to be of the highest taste.

The pint-sized performer has been part of the Circus of Horrors show for the past 15 years, but the crux to this man’s productive career was found 12 years prior, as an Ewok in Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi. Yes, that’s right, a man who once played a cute, if slightly annoying, miniature bear is now pulling along Henry the Hoover with his gigglestick, for a living. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Demon Dan.

Here’s the link to that final story - http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/857426-dwarf-pulling-vacuum-cleaner-with-his-penis-banned-by-oxford-university

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