Friday 28 January 2011

Weekly Roundup – Royal Rubbers, Chase & Status & YouTube’s Fountain Lady Sues.

Story of the Week – Royal Wedding Condoms.
Prick on the box, protection inside
To commemorate the year in which Prince William and Kate Middleton are scheduled to ‘tie the knot’, condom manufacturers Crown have released a new brand of regal prophylactics aptly named, Crown Jewels. Aside from bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘royally fucked’, the condoms are of a usual standard…except for the fact that they don’t actually work. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly; the rubber raincoats are nothing more than a commemorative heirloom product.

To me, the fact that they don’t actually serve any yielding purpose is a crying shame. Partly because I, for one, can’t think of a more effective form of birth control than a man seeing the Queen’s face on the end of his Johnson, and partly because it detracts from the overarching novelty of the product. The condoms would be of little use within the monarchy anyway, even if they did work. I can’t exactly imagine them being of any interest to Prince Phillip once he realises they were produced outside of the UK.

Anyway, for all those who are interested, here’s the link to the story -
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/854024-lie-back-and-think-of-england-with-royal-wedding-condoms

Musicians of the Week – Chase & Status.
No More Idols
For the past few years now, all those who have followed electronic production duo Chase & Status with any interest at all will know full well that they’ve been destined to hit the lofty heights of stardom ever since the release of their 2008 album More Than Alot. A personal favourite of my own, the band encompasses all things underground and, through some miraculous triumph, manages to channel them into, what can only be termed as a masterclass manual on how to construct a club banger in each and every one of their tracks.

I’m not professing to have discovered untapped talent in this duo, they’ve been around for years, but they finally look set to reap the rewards on their upcoming album. Set for release on the 31st of this month, No More Idols sees Chase & Status finally channel their efforts into their long awaited dubstep, DnB, breakbeat and grime infused masterpiece. I’ve never been one to harp on about a band's sound becoming tainted instantaneously as they hit the big time, but the grit generated by the cheap synths and the grimey undertones are central to this group’s sound. Having heard the album already, I can’t help but feel that despite the plethora of celebrity cameos from artists such as Tinie Tempah and Cee Lo Green, Chase & Status seem to produce their best when the onus is solely on them.

All in all, their new album is brilliant, and I don’t use that term lightly. Although not all of them hit the mark, some of the cameos complement the hard-hitting sound of the duo perfectly as on the track Heavy featuring king of grime, Dizzee Rascal

Here's the link to my favourite track of the album, Heavy Ft. Dizzee Rascal - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwTgm1I76gU

Video of the Week – Fountain Woman Sues.
Now, you’ve got your run of the mill idiots; you know the type. They’re the kind of people who shut their fingers in the car door every now and then. However, you also have a different breed of idiot. These idiots are the kind of people who manage to frequently faceplant onto absolutely anything. Cathy Cruz AKA fountain woman however, is in a whole league of her own. If it was up to me this league would probably be contained within a padded room where all sharp corners were covered so as to ensure that she couldn’t die as a result of her own stupidity, but it’s not, and she probably will. For those of you that haven’t seen the video clip on YouTube already, here it is:
Here’s the link to that final video -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPpzj4PjNjU. Not that I’m cruel or anything, but if you hit pause, then play, then ‘2’ repeatedly you can clearly see that her diving form is nothing to write home about.

Anyway, in the past few days, Ms Cruz has participated in an interview on ABC news to state that she is going to sue all parties responsible for her accident. ABC made their stance on the issue clear by treating it with the utmost sensitivity; they can even be shown to refer to her as the ‘Tumbling Texter’ at 1:24. It’s not that I don’t feel sorry for the woman slightly, but her defence doesn’t do her any favours. The YouTube sensation states that "Not one single person went to my aid" at one point during the video. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but it’s almost physically impossible to drown in the few inches of water contained within that fountain and anyone that manages to accomplish such a moronic feat probably deserves to. Other classic lines such as "I could’ve walked into a bus" level criticism at the notorious American bus routes that travel directly through malls. Maybe I’m being harsh on Ms Cruz; she’s not the only total douchebag involved in this story. After all, the mall security’s response time to attend to the situation was 20 minutes! 20 minutes! I could shave a bearded baby in that period of time, although, I’m not quite sure why I’d want to.

Finally, I’ll leave you guys with one last message straight from the horse’s mouth, in the wise words of Cathy Cruz: "Don’t text and walk". Until next week, stay safe kids.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOBZmNVgOz0&feature=fvsr

Thursday 27 January 2011

The Dawn of a New Era?



Pair of Pricks & a Trophy.

Throughout the past week, and the past few days especially, it’s been nigh-on impossible to ignore the self-described "banterous" and rather primitive actions of the, now former, Sky Sports live football presenters (and commentator in the case of the latter) Richard Keys and Andy Gray. Sadly, the fortune of the sport itself looks to temporarily decline as a consequence of their juvenile actions, however this isn’t simply a sporting matter. The action taken by Sky Sports was thoroughly just, regardless of whether it’s a common occurrence down a local pub or not. The fact of the matter is that the pair’s comments have only served to bring a premature end to what could have been a prolonged timeframe endured by the sport without the much maligned sexist stigma attached to it.

Sexism in Sport.
I am in no way saying that sexism doesn’t exist as banter, but the axiom of banter is that it operates on a playful level and is in no way suited to offend or undermine, this however, has succeeded in achieving both. One of the main issues that I take with all of this is that the acts of two individuals have been generalised across an entire population of people, to whom football is a way of life, by the media. To say that sexism is still rife in English football is entirely vacuous. Since the playing days of footballers such as Andy Gray, the game has come a long way, and that’s gone largely unnoticed. You only have to view the efficiency in which other, past issues surrounding the sport have been largely removed. Racism for instance has been vastly eradicated from football over here in comparison to other countries which are yet to replicate such a feat, and that’s an achievement that should not be underestimated.

The Knock-on Effect.
The other main issue that I take with this story is the exploitation of assistant referee Sian Massey. Obviously she’s the victim in this microcosmic situation of sexism itself, but isolating her as a character that people should empathise with benefits her in no way whatsoever. Massey is a professional; she’s knowingly pursued a career in the sport when, as in all walks of life, she understood the possibility of such moronic displays of sexism. The entire purpose of removing sexism from the sport is so that professionals of both genders can be treated equally. In placing Ms Massey on a pedestal, the very people who seek to destroy the issue of sexism have, ironically, served to create a new gap of inequality. Sexism encompasses the entire female population; making Sian Massey a figure of prominence in the issue simply heightens the severity of it. As a person who assumedly has a genuine passion for the sport, I’m sure the last thing this assistant referee needs is a cause of further exploitation to possible discrimination that she may experience in her line of work.

It's a Bit of a Gray Area.
Now, I know that it’s a topic that’s largely up for debate and I for one believe that sexism is a topic that can be banterous between both genders in equal measure, but Keys’ defence in particular has shown remorse. The remorse can’t be found in the substance of his apology, but it’s extremely prevalent in the accidental hilarity of the style of his apology. Unfortunately for Mr Keys he sought to stupidly blame Rio Ferdinand, Sky Sports, Karren Brady not answering her phone, "dark forces at work", and probably everything else Jedi-related too. The only dark forces I’m yet to see "at work" however, were the presenter's ape-like knuckles scraping the ground of the Sky Sports studios during his "did you smash it?" remark aimed at Jamie Redknapp in relation to having sex with a previous girlfriend of his. Gray on the other hand has finally seen sense and chosen only to break his silence on the issue in an effort to blame Sky’s decision being based on the notion of paving the way to giving football on Sky a fresher, younger aura.

Sexism Isn't Just a One-way Street. 
As the former presenter stated and as I myself previously said, sexism can occur in equal measure from each gender to the other. It’s purely subjective to the individual it’s aimed at, some may treat the issue with great severity, whilst others may simply shrug it off. This won’t be the death of football in any way, shape or form, but it won’t be the death of sexism either. The fact of the matter is that, as with all issues, sexism won’t ‘die’, but it appears that both the perpetrators and the defenders of these most recent actions have served no further purpose than to intensify such problems.

Friday 21 January 2011

Weeky Roundup - Paul the Octopus, Benjamin Francis Leftwich & charlieissocoollike

Here is just a brief flavour of my past week: what I've been reading, what I've been watching and what I've been listening to. I hope you all enjoy the links and your weekend itself.

My Artist of the Week - Benjamin Francis Leftwich.
For the past few years, the genre of acoustic music has undergone somewhat of a revival and has thrived under the messiah-esque influence of such artists as Damien Rice, Joshua Radin and Newton Faulkner to name but a few. But the artist that I want to talk to you about today brings a new vibe to the genre, a vibe with clear intentions to abolish the somewhat depression-enducing stigma that has become synonymous with most things acoustic.

The artist that I refer to is Benjamin Francis Leftwich. Leftwich's sound could be most appropriately described as a refreshingly optimistic blend of lyrics that sprout roots from the very beginning of each song before immediately flourishing with an ever-increasing allure that makes the Yorkshire-born songwriter so effortless to listen to. Each line that Leftwich recites is tied to the next by a vocal delivery that befittingly carries a delicate conviction that only he has yet been able to pull off with such success. This troubadour is surely destined for success as long as he continues to bear the same enchanting, ethereal aura in his music as he has so far. To me, he is a must for any fans of Joshua Radin, Damien Rice, Jose Gonzalez and even Jazon Mraz.

Here's the link to my pick of his songs: Atlas Hands - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pyue2N1XZ0M&playnext=1&list=PL6ECDF5856A1EE64C&index=68

My Story of the Week - Paul the Octopus Becomes Larger Than Life.
As some of you may know, earlier this week, football World Cup prediction sensation Paul the octopus  had a memorial built in honour of his unrivalled achievements. By unrivalled achievements I mean he would swim over to one of two boxes bearing the flags of two opposing nations prior to a World Cup match to attempt to retrieve a mussel contained within each box. Seemingly whichever box the octopus chose to approach first - before dry-humping it senseless - was chosen as the cephalopod's 'prediction', and throughout the World Cup every prediction that he made was proven to be correct. The one major flaw to this whole process was the fact that on most occasions Paul opted for the box on the right side of the tank, which also coincidentally represented the more favoured team to win each match.

Now, I have no problem with pointless memorials but this tops the lot. Don't get me wrong; I love Paul the octopus, but it's the kind of undeserved credit that makes you think maybe Jeremy Kyle deserves a knighthood for his services in the field of supplying prospective McDonald's staff with free advertising on television. I also think that if you're going to produce a monument at least don't make a six foot replica of an octopus shooting a giant football out of its own fart box. I've come to the conclusion that the monument either looks like that, or a deleted scene from Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Anyway, regardless of my opinion, the monument has been erected and Paul the octopus will presumably stand the test of time. Surely this marks a dawn to a new era in which future monuments will be erected for our generation's most talented, such as a ten foot tall Cillit Bang bottle in honour of Barry Scott oustanding services to advertising.

Here's the link to the photo of the monument and the story itself - http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110120/ap_on_sp_ot/eu_germany_octopus_oracle

My Video of the Week - The Alex and Charlie Pilot.
Last but not least here's my video of the week. I'm going to keep it short and sweet but any fans of YouTube celebrities Charlie McDonnell, Alex Day or simply YouTube 'vloggers' in general will love this video. He's a personal favourite of mine and I'd say he's definitely worth a look.

So yeah, here's that link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7DML3VDlTA

Anyway guys, that's your lot from me for this week. I'm also contemplating whether to continue with the two blog posts a week or whether to simply revert to one which I can just put more time and effort into. So I need your opinion, to offer it to me simply vote in the poll on the right-hand side of your screen. Thanks.


Thursday 20 January 2011

Interrobangs, Herpes & You.

First of all, I'd just really like to thank you all for the attention, praise and any other various comments that the blog has received over the past week. I really can't thank you guys enough, and I hope you continue to read and enjoy. Anyway, today, I thought I'd let you guys know about a couple of things that have obtained my attention over the past week.

WTF of the Week - Interrobang‽
As a complete, self-confessed nerd when it comes to all things grammar, seeing this made me pee a little. A cross between the exclamation mark and the question mark and with a name that would be befitting of a movie you'd quite likely find on RedTube - or so a friend told me...-, the interrobang should - in my opinion - rather appropriately be the unofficial emblem of the new age, social networking, WTF culture. This ingenious creation was the brainchild of the late, great and totally unknown Martin K. Speckter. Mr Speckter came up with the idea for the punctuation mark whilst in charge of an advertising firm in an effort to combine both an interrogative and exclamatory mood into one convenient symbol.

Now, in my opinion Mr Speckter's invention has been vastly underrated and underappreciated in favour of the more ungrammatical usage of '!?' which poses little to no stylistic integrity whatsoever. The man's almost accidental tongue-in-cheek approach to advertising is something that I believe should be echoed in eternity purely for novelty value. I sort of hold him in the same regard as I hold Morgan Freeman: I don't view him as a maven in his field of interest, but I'd happily see him looked upon as God...or at least CEO of the newly renamed Interrobangland in Orlando, Florida. Just a bit of a novelty really but I proclaim that the upcoming week should be World Interrobang Week in celebration of this truly unique creation. So guys, let's get this circulating throughout the social networking domain.WTF are you waiting for‽

Gripe of the Week - The Herpes Effect.
It's essentially a fact that every single one of us has a niggling problem in our lives in the here and now. This could be a problem that manifested itself from nothing or a problem that could have been procured from someone else's problems. I like call this The Herpes Effect. So today, I'd like to explain - preferrably without the aid of diagrams - what I mean by this very ambiguous definition. If you clicked on this link hoping for information on a more personal matter then I can all but recommend seeing a specialist in this field...just don't google blue waffle...no seriously, don't. Like a backstreet hooker that can't keep her legs shut, the world rather unashamedly spews venom out of its bajingo on a daily basis. The fact of the matter is that in the highly energized and confident generation that we've been born into problems become more focused and chronic, and The Herpes Effect is becoming a more prominent factor in this.

What I intend to mean by The Herpes Effect is a hybrid of two things. It is partly the process by which problems can worsen and become more contagious via the evolution of discussing them with people whom also have insecurites in that particular area thus making them harder to relieve yourself of. In the main however, it is the problem itself. We all have that one person whose presence simply makes us feel like chundering everywah. It's not petty or consciously controlled; it's just fact that we find that person too outlandish for our own liking. They're just the sort of person that if you'd have grown up with from a young age you'd imagine them to be the one pretending to be a Pokémon or shoving crayons up their arse. It's just not pretty or particularly endearing...unless you hate crayons I guess.

So there you go guys, that's your lot until my best bits of the week tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy it, and none of it's intended to be taken too literally.

Friday 14 January 2011

The Past Week in Links - Alcoholic Birds, Funeral Party & Rémi Gaillard.

As the working week draws to a close I thought I'd keep you guys filled in about gems from across the interwebs - YouTube specifically - and the world in general that have kept me occupied for the past 5 days. So I hope you all enjoy them.

My Band of the Week - Funeral Party.
Hailing from the city of Whittier in California, my selection for band of the week are what can only be described as an eccentric almagamation of alternative/indie rock/dance punk/any other genre you can think of, Funeral Party. This band seem to tick all the right boxes when it comes to embodying an abundance of all the qualities that modern-day music has seemingly become bereft of. The first time I had the chance to hear the highly energetic quintet was live at Reading Festival 2010 at the Festival Republic Stage. In little over half an hour they managed to win-over what was a somewhat subdued crowd at the start of the show with their own, seemingly patented, clusterfuck of craziness. With their debut album scheduled to be available on iTunes from the 24th of this month, Funeral Party seem set to be one of the hottest bands of 2011 and I honestly can't recommend this band highly enough to anyone who's open to embracing a new, raw, crisp sound.

Link to their debut single NYC Moves to the Sound of LA - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1ZR9R9LVeQ

My Story of the Week - Binge Drinking Birds.
As some of you may of heard, during the beginning of 2011 there were reports of masses of birds unfathomably plunging to the ground and perishing throughout the globe. Now, whilst many scientists have rather predictably identified numerous, conflicting reasons for the vast carnage, the head of the veterinary authority in the city of Constanta, Romania discovered a more peculiar cause. Romeu Lazar found that "tests on five birds showed gizzards full of grape marc which caused their death," which is a by-product formed from the production of wine. So in summary, the birds were off their faces, and as a consequence must have thought themselves to be indestructible. It's not that I don't find this story tragic, but it does kind make me wonder as to whether a new special edition of Angry Birds may become available on the iTunes App Store soon. Also, when I think of an intoxicated entity hitting the deck I can't help but think of a boozy, loudmouth faceplant onto the curb as they come out of a club on a Friday night out. Now it's not that I shouldn't be mature enough to look at that with a straight face at my age, but I think it's an event that always verges on the point of being piss-pants-hilarious to anyone that happens to be there.

Anyway, here's the link to that rather crazy story - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41037289/ns/world_news-europe/

Video of the Week - Top 10 Sports (Rémi GAILLARD).
If you've ever been an active user of YouTube for more than a few months, you will fully understand that it's almost nigh on impossible to escape the charistmatic yet cringeworthy charm of a Rémi Gaillard video. Now the YouTube phenomenon's back with his latest hit that had me accidentally spraying deodrant into my mouth then consequently pulling a face like I'd been shot in the buttock and laughing, all whilst getting ready on a Tuesday morning. His latest creation may only be a compilation of former glories, but its humour still has the same fresh allure as it always has, plus it's almost as funny as birds getting pissed. Definitely worth a look.

Top 10 Sports (Rémi GAILLARD) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kga0eKfeeTE


So guys, those are my best webgems of the week; I hope you all enjoy them half as much as I did. My next blog post will be up by next Thursday, and I hope you all stick with me and keep on reading.

Thursday 13 January 2011

Song Lyrics, Aliens, & Joe Dolce.

Introduction.

As unspoken a topic as it may be, the influence of lyrics embodied within both: the structure and mood of a song is undeniably one of the most primitive yet refined methods of provoking a whole array of emotions a select individual never even knew existed. I personally think that whether people view music as a life choice or alternatively adopt the approach of viewing music as simply a form of escapism, at some point or another in every human being’s lives they have heard a line in a song that has enhanced an extreme positive or negative emotion that they were feeling at the time.

Life's Soundtrack.


Whilst to some people this point may seem rather moot, my own personal view is that for every significant point in life we tend to play out our own soundtrack. This soundtrack is largely based on our emotions which are, in turn, of intrinsic value to a vast number of songs that were crafted by individuals who were also experiencing identical emotions at their point of inspiration. By means of expressing that point in a less convoluted manner, it’s similar to the way that in if a friend experiences a serious situation, be it traumatic or otherwise, they will have gained a knowledge of how to handle such a situation. Now, my point is that if your life happens to play out a similar situation, then your friend, having experienced the same, will provide you with a point of reference for you to deal with the circumstances. Likewise, in times of modern-day supreme emotion we seem to almost instinctively turn to music and the lyrics contained within music as somewhat of a tangible way of viewing our emotions. The beauty of all of this is that even lyrics that don’t seem as palpable in definition are open to interpretation and are therefore open to expressing a variety of different emotions to the people that listen to them.

Why Shia LaBeouf Is The Devil.

I’m not one to be hyperbolic and I’m in no way going to profess that Shaddap You Face by Joe Dolce could provide me or any of you with the pearls of wisdom that we seek to cope with life’s emotional highs and lows any better, but you can’t deny that it makes you feel something. I personally love my iPod and think that the world would be a much glummer place without music, but I respect that a lot of your views will conflict mine in a whole host of ways; it’s just human nature. However, in the wise words of Shia LaBeouf - in reference to his iPod in D. J. Caruso’s Disturbia – "That’s 60 gigs of my life." I think we can all agree with Mr LaBeouf. A truly talented actor as demonstrated in all of his films, apart from in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. No, wait, WTF!? Aliens!?…and Transformers…and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen… and Eagle EyeEven Stevens wasn’t bad? But all rhetoric aside, wise words from Mr TheBeef nevertheless.

What Music Means To Me.

So, to summarise, I believe that music is underrated and very much underestimated as being a form of communicative medium. I feel that a single line in a song can allow us to spearhead a movement out of life’s darkest times equally as much as it can allow us extract the best out of life for our own personal wellbeing. Lest us not forget that the workings of musicians such as Bob Marley and John Lennon haven’t just assisted people like ourselves through times of great emotion, they’ve shaped the world we live in today. I believe that to be a power that we should never take for granted.