When Cher Lloyd’s debut single, ‘Swagger Jagger’, was leaked last week, it arguably became the most offensive piece of content to be leaked into the British media since the Hitler Diaries were released by Rupert Murdoch’s ‘The Times’. Much like the deceased Führer’s forged documents, Cher Lloyd’s first release bears little or no resemblance to what would have been considered even sub-standard Pop music in the past.
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| Oompa-Loompa Doopedy Doo |
Some of you may know Lloyd as an X-Factor reject come good, others as the semi-black, quarter oompa-loompa and quarter whiney annoying cretin who recently entered the charts, and the vast majority will know her as the poor man’s Cheryl Cole.
To clarify: I even see Cheryl Cole as a downgrade on most of the pop-stars around and I don’t think she’d have found half the success she has done if any other member of Girls Aloud would have had a bit more of an edge to them as opposed to their shared vapidity.
Despite all this, Cher Lloyd is definitely the Firkins to Cheryl Cole’s Greggs, or even the back-street crack den to Cheryl Cole’s high grade whorehouse.
Now, on to Miss Lloyd’s debut single. Despite my natural hatred for a girl claiming to have ‘swagger’ when she’s from rural Worcestershire, I couldn’t fault her if she actually produced music that didn’t completely violate my ears, but that’s the entire problem with this song; it is literally the worst thing to ever happen involving anything.
Now, on to Miss Lloyd’s debut single. Despite my natural hatred for a girl claiming to have ‘swagger’ when she’s from rural Worcestershire, I couldn’t fault her if she actually produced music that didn’t completely violate my ears, but that’s the entire problem with this song; it is literally the worst thing to ever happen involving anything.
Very often in the music world, people earn the right to either be arrogant or even to sell themselves as a brand – take Lady Gaga for example. The issue I take with Cher Lloyd though is that, if you strip back the natural bullshit aesthetic to her persona, she’s just the British Rebecca Black: talentless.
Firstly, why does Swagger Jagger take a sample from the nursery rhyme ‘Oh my darling, Clementine’? Secondly, Cher, I have my own swagger actually, and I store it appropriately in my purpose built swagger satchel, and thirdly, what the fuck is a Jagger?
As much as I detest music like this, people do seem to treat these songs as a microcosm of the charts altogether nowadays, which is wrong, but artists like Cher Lloyd, and even Cheryl Cole don’t show anything other than that good looks and a half-baked idea can get you a long way nowadays.
People will disagree with me, and that’s their prerogative to, but I’d just give up altogether if I was one of the many talented acts that will undoubtedly fall below this latest chunk of plastic, manufactured pop-trash because they don’t stand a chance. Any publicity’s good publicity though, ay?
