The Day Swagger Died

When Cher Lloyd’s debut single, ‘Swagger Jagger’, was leaked last week, it arguably became the most offensive piece of content to be leaked into the British media since the Hitler Diaries were released by Rupert Murdoch’s ‘The Times’. Much like the deceased Führer’s forged documents, Cher Lloyd’s first release bears little or no resemblance to what would have been considered even sub-standard Pop music in the past.

Oompa-Loompa Doopedy Doo

Some of you may know Lloyd as an X-Factor reject come good, others as the semi-black, quarter oompa-loompa and quarter whiney annoying cretin who recently entered the charts, and the vast majority will know her as the poor man’s Cheryl Cole.

To clarify: I even see Cheryl Cole as a downgrade on most of the pop-stars around and I don’t think she’d have found half the success she has done if any other member of Girls Aloud would have had a bit more of an edge to them as opposed to their shared vapidity.

Despite all this, Cher Lloyd is definitely the Firkins to Cheryl Cole’s Greggs, or even the back-street crack den to Cheryl Cole’s high grade whorehouse.

Now, on to Miss Lloyd’s debut single. Despite my natural hatred for a girl claiming to have ‘swagger’ when she’s from rural Worcestershire, I couldn’t fault her if she actually produced music that didn’t completely violate my ears, but that’s the entire problem with this song; it is literally the worst thing to ever happen involving anything.

Very often in the music world, people earn the right to either be arrogant or even to sell themselves as a brand – take Lady Gaga for example. The issue I take with Cher Lloyd though is that, if you strip back the natural bullshit aesthetic to her persona, she’s just the British Rebecca Black: talentless.

Firstly, why does Swagger Jagger take a sample from the nursery rhyme ‘Oh my darling, Clementine’? Secondly, Cher, I have my own swagger actually, and I store it appropriately in my purpose built swagger satchel, and thirdly, what the fuck is a Jagger?  

As much as I detest music like this, people do seem to treat these songs as a microcosm of the charts altogether nowadays, which is wrong, but artists like Cher Lloyd, and even Cheryl Cole don’t show anything other than that good looks and a half-baked idea can get you a long way nowadays.

People will disagree with me, and that’s their prerogative to, but I’d just give up altogether if I was one of the many talented acts that will undoubtedly fall below this latest chunk of plastic, manufactured pop-trash because they don’t stand a chance. Any publicity’s good publicity though, ay?

Al Fayed Gots Michael's Jesus Juice

Michael Jackson Statue Erected At Craven Cottage

One universally recognised fact about statues: they're reserved for only people of the highest significance in their field of expertise and are rightfully erected (if you laughed at erected, I'm disappointed in you, very disappointed) in a place befitting of their life and legacy.

Examples include Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, London, the statue of Bobby Moore at Wembley, and, inevitably, a memorial to Nick Clegg's service to the arts of backstabbing and deception outside of the Houses of Parliament - oh no he didn't!

However, earlier this week, Fulham Football Club's chairman, Mohamed Al Fayed, rather strangely, unveiled a statue of pop legend Michael Jackson at Fulham's home ground, Craven Cottage.

Now, understandably, like a cow wearing human clothes, the statue was met with mixed responses. The more negative of those largely coming from the football club's fans, whilst the more positive, presumably, came from anyone that lacks eyes.

The adverse opinions are perfectly understandable seeing as Jackson's ties with the club are weaker than Hanson's 'strong hand' in Scary Movie 2. In fact, the singer was only a visitor to Fulham's home ground on a single occasion.

The latest, slightly tasteless, twist in this ongoing story is that the chariman himself, Mohamed Al Fayed, has told any fans who dislike the controversial statue that they can "go to hell", and placed the aforementioned statement on the same platform as going "to Chelsea instead" - sure MoMo, I'm sure they're both equally as bad.

Anyway, regardless of whether fans like it or not, Al Fayed insists that the statue is there to stay despite it looking like Cher with a ponytail and a slightly melted face.

A Luna Landing...Following A Luna Jump

Don't Fuck With Luna The Cow

Faster than a fox on a jet ski, more powerful than my right hand after a long, long day alone and able to jump hurdles in a single bound: Luna the cow has become the world's first show jumping cow.

15-year-old Regina Mayer from Laufen, Germany, has both raised and trained Luna the cow with the ambition of becoming a professional show jumper astride the four-legged phenomenon.

Mayer turned to the cow as her saviour in fulfilling her dream of becoming a show jumper after her parents denied her the wish of getting a horse for her birthday.

I've got to be honest, if you look at the photo of the cow jumping, it's equivalent to me walking onto the curb of a pavement and getting a round of applause for it. Proof, once again, that white cows can't jump.

Sorry, We Don't Recycle Pricks.
A 28-year-old man has been rescued from a recycling bin in Bradley Stoke, Bristol, after attempting to steal garments from the aforementioned bin.

Fucked, Proper Fucked

The man tried to retrieve the clothing by entering the bin headfirst whilst an accomplice grabbed hold of the man's legs in an effort to prevent him from falling into the bin. The effort failed.

The guy ended up trapped in the metal container until emergency services came to rescue him.

I take two issues with this story. Firstly, as my childhood love of Sesame Street had taught me, Oscar the Grouch inhabits all bins of all kinds, clearly. So why didn't he deal with the thief? Secondly, what the fuck could have possibly convinced the moron that diving headfirst into a recycling bin was a good idea?

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The Black Plague

Holy Sh*t, Saturday Comes After Friday!?

First, there was the Jonas Brothers, then Bieber Fever and now - the Black Plague. Admittedly, this Black Plague won’t kill almost half the population of Europe, but I’m sure that percentage will be left dead on the inside by it.

So what day does come after Friday, which seat should we take if multiple options present themselves, and just how far can the utter stupidity of some people stretch itself? All of these are valid questions, and all are legitimately answered in thirteen year-old Rebecca Black’s debut single, Friday.

I literally can’t describe the song or the video, and I don’t particularly want to, at risk of being charged with assisted suicide. In fact, the only way I can put it is, imagine if Rainman had a pen, his own recording company and a calendar, then dumb it down a bit.

The main issue I take with the video stems down to three things. Firstly, where the fuck did the bus go? Secondly, how did a group of thirteen year-olds get access to a car? And Thirdly, surely there's something just a little bit amiss with a middle-aged stereotypical bloated version of Usher heading to the same party as said thirteen year-olds.

The YouTube phenomenon has sparked more criticism than praise and will definitely leave you in a state of confusion. Like Lost, Rebecca Black’s debut single will leave you with more questions than answers, but, sadly, unlike Lost, she isn’t trapped on an island for all eternity.

I think whether you like it or not, Rebecca Black is here to stay along with Justin Bieber, Willow Smith and all the other little antichrists. So, unless you can fart out Alphabetti Spaghetti to make better lyrics than Black’s (which you probably can), I'd get used to it.

Sorry it's such a short post this week guys! I've been seriously busy, and for that reason, there won't be a usual second post tomorrow, but normal service will resume next week! Keep up the views too, your support has been amazing, and the blog couldn't have progressed at all without you!

Elbow & My Pick Of The Weekend's Music

Band Of The Week - Elbow

New Album: Build A Rocket Boys!

At first glance, Elbow may not seem to live up to their larger than life hype; it may seem hard to understand how the music portrays the band’s bigger picture, but that’s just it. You can’t understand the bigger picture until you’re on the same wavelength as the smaller one, and this is where Elbow excel.  



Lead singer, Guy Garvey, depicts an improbable artist on first impressions: burly, slightly uncouth and seemingly bereft of confidence. His lack of confidence is present throughout the band’s new album, Build A Rocket Boys!, as he wrestles from head to heart in an effort to form an accurate portrait of his hometown of Manchester.

The bearded frontman’s brushstrokes allow the sullen to meet the soothing in what is perhaps the most complete album of the year, so far. I said before that at first glance Garvey appears to lack in confidence, and though that may be true, his words evoke a state of rapture that is unmatched in warmth and wholesomeness by any other band.

Elbow are by no means the product of a bygone generation of music, nor are they of a current trend, they’re something so much more.

On their latest single, Lippy Kids, Garvey and his troupe manage to, yet again, perfect the transition of making an ordinary story into something truly extraordinary, something reminiscent of a childhood memory, something brilliantly beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc5fX4TytFE

If You Listen To Anything This Weekend, Listen To...
Alex Turner - Piledriver Waltz:

Sheffield's Shakespeare - Alex Turner

Stare deep into the heart of any Arctic Monkey's song and you’ll always find the most unlikely looking of wordsmiths - Alex Turner. Turner has always had the ability to croon with an eerie sincerity about anything from life’s most tasking questions to its most trivial. If there’s a greater modern-day raconteur, I’d be surprised.

On the Sheffield lad’s latest adventure, he seeks to find solace in a more acoustic sound. Debut solo album, Submarine EP, marks the soundtrack to the new British comedy film of the same name. The standout single on the CD, Piledriver Waltz, sees Turner attempts to reassuringly serenade his audience through their experiences of heartbreak. A feat that he manages to do so effortlessly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uij9h6N2zzE

Vato Gonzalez ft. Foreign Beggars - Badman Riddim (Club Mix):
House music, take note. If you want an instant club classic, follow the same basic formula: lay down pulsating bassline, add generous portion of Foreign Beggars, wash, rinse, repeat. House music is undergoing somewhat of a revival in recent times under the eagle-eyed guidance of groups such as Swedish House Mafia, and the wheels aren't showing signs of slowing up any time soon.



Introducing Vato Gonzalez - an artist fresh out of Holland that looks set to break the mould for how underground dance music should sound. His sound is one that wreaks havoc on the senses in the best way possible, and with the aid of the Foreign Beggars, the upcoming DJ definitely looks to have a hit firmly within his reach with Badman Riddim.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PaRVAdD4XY

Atlantis Found?

Artist Depiction Of What Atlantis May Look Like

Earlier this week, a research team situated in southern Spain stumbled upon evidence that has lead them to believe that they may have found the lost city of Atlantis. Whether you believe in it or not, the tale of Atlantis brings with it the most intriguing story of both the rise and fall of a civilisation.

Atlantis was believed to be the hub of technology in its prime, a vast metropolis that was rich in culture, wealth and science, all of which were not enough for it to evade its inevitable downfall. All in all, legend dictates that Atlantis may have been home to the most advanced civilisation for around 10,000 years after its own inception.

Its story carries a truth, once seen as fiction, that bears all the more symmetry and, as a consequence, relevance to that of recent events in Japan. I say it bears symmetry to this week’s events in Asia simply because Atlantis itself is believed to have succumbed to the sea in around 1500BC.

The team, led by university professor, Richard Freund, have utilised the most hi-tech deep-ground radar, digital mapping, and underwater technology available to them to survey the Dona Ana Park just to the north of Spain’s south coast. The results that they received revealed cities bearing architectural resemblance to that suspected of Atlantis.

It’s theorised that the few Atlanteans that were able to escape the city in time attempted to build similar cities further afield, in Spain. Whether the city exists or not, the latest area that scientists suspect Atlantis of being buried beneath has been rife with tsunamis since records began.

Only time will tell if this latest discovery bears any substance at all.

"I Have Had It With These Motherfucking Snakes On This Motherfucking Plane"

Holy Crap, She Has No Eyelids

If you don’t like Snakes on a Plane, you have no hope in life – not my words, but the words of Samuel Jackson, probably. Anyway, onto my first story of the weird and wonderful. A snake died this week, after attempting to nom on a model’s fake breast.

Self-described "beautiful", Israeli model, Orit Fox, was bitten on the breast by a snake that was being used as a prop in her photoshoot after she attempted to lick its face. Straightaway, I think there’s a lesson to be learnt for all of us in this – snakes love boobs too.

Remarkably, the snake died from silicone poisoning. The model, however, only received what looked like a flat tyre, but on her chest. I really do sympathise with the snake. I mean, not only did it die after having its face licked, but it also had to pose with a model that looks like a deflated Pamela Anderson with no eyelids.

Here’s the video if any of you guys want to see it - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OIx9FG44dY
　
Tick, Tick, Boom  
Now, if in times of severe crisis, say if you suspected a package of containing a bomb for example, who would you trust? A bomb squad, naturally. This is exactly what workers at a post office in Russia thought earlier in the week. 

Six-Inch Torpedo Of Death

The bomb squad arrived, expecting to see the most harrowing of sites when they finally opened the package. However, the layers of the suspected bomb-containing package unravelled to reveal a vibrating sex toy, which had just so happened to turn itself on.

As harrowing as that may indeed be, I’m no expert, but I don’t think vibrators have a built-in function to explode. I know what you’re thinking, ‘what an anti-climax’, which leads to me thinking, ‘that’s what she said’. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Seriously though, thankfully no one was hurt and the vibrator presumably faces a prison sentence for attempted murder.

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8.9 Earthquake Hits Japan Followed By Tsunami



Cars Were Buried Under Rubble

The world awakens today to face a horrifying reality that has become typical of modern times, but heightened by the sheer astounding nature of it all. Earlier today, at 1446 local time (0546 GMT), an earthquake, measuring 8.9 on the Richter magnitude scale, struck just of the coast of Honshu, Japan. What followed served to only intensify the chaos as a 33ft tsunami blitzed the Japanese seaboard.

Japan is renowned for its seismic activity, and has encountered several tremors measuring 8.0 on the Richter scale since in the past. The pure power of this great nation's latest tremor, however, will surely go down as the worst natural disaster in the country's history.

Today is most certainly a day that sees all of our own problems pale into insignificance.

The story of the megaquake began in the early afternoon, rupturing just off the north-east coast of Japan. Although initial damage seemed to be minimal, a further 19 aftershocks, that were felt as far to the west as Beijing, China, were the consequence of nature's opening foray. The greatest, in magnitude, of the aftershocks measured, an astonishing, 7.1 on the Richter scale, registering it as even more lethal than last month's earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand.  


The Epicentre Of The Earthquake

The tsunami that followed, waded into the port of Sendai city bereft of any mercy as it tossed ships and cars aside as if they were nothing before reducing the city's buildings to driftwood. Current reports register the death toll at 44, but with much of the nation isolated and out of contact, this figure is sure to rise.

Evacuations are currently taking place throughout the Pacific and even on the west coast of North America in fear that more tsunamis may hit elsewhere around the globe.

While the world can only wait with bated breath, the vast torrent of destruction this latest natural disaster has yielded has caused untold amounts of damage throughout the Japanese coastline and the outlook is definitely grim. In times of need, however, is when our planet seems to be at its strongest and a recovery over time is indefinite.

Tigers Introduced Into Sheen Family Gene Pool

Story Of The Week


Mr Sheen when he's not flying round on a dusting cloth

Between shovelling handfuls - okay - truckloads of pancakes into my face and listening to Adele’s new album whilst weeping like a little girly girl over the past few weeks, I couldn’t help but notice that Mr Carlos Irwin Estevez – more famously known as Charlie Sheen – has finally hit breaking-point.

I know what you’re thinking: thank the sweet baby J that there’s not going to be another series of Two and a Half Men. But, in all seriousness, Sheen is clearly experiencing a traumatic period of his life. I can’t quite decide whether it’s tragic or just downright hilariously outlandish. On one hand, the guy’s champagne lifestyle is clearly catching up with him, but on the other, he claims to have "tiger blood", which is hard not to love.

As hyperbolic a statement as it may be to say that the makeup of your blood defies biology, it’s nothing compared to some of the other farfetched rants the 45 year-old actor has reeled off in a timeframe spanning the last 11 days. In fact, if Sheen said he was a transformer tomorrow, I would quite easily believe him, and even refer to him as Optimus Prime if he told me to.

Charlie Sheen’s recent public escapades haven’t been left wanting in terms of humour or in terms of recognition for the sheer audacity of it all. However, the fact of the matter is that he’s just revealed himself to be the pretentious asshole he’s always been suspected to be behind the scenes. I’d still sign a petition approving a one man series based on Charlie Sheen instead of another series on Sheen, that camp guy and the fat kid, but that’s not the point.

The Weird & the Wonderful
Judge Dread
When it comes to judges, there are many descriptions that spring to mind all befitting of their nature; refined, clinical, even fair (occasionally…), however, ‘hard as nails’ can now be added to that list.

Judge Douglas Marks Moore is not only in possession of the World’s most middle class name, but also of a rugby tackle that can knock a paedophile clean onto his backside. Mr Marks Moore demonstrated so on sex offender Paul Reid, who had been trying to escape court, in a repeat of an event that yielded greater success just two years earlier.

In my, humble and totally reasonable, opinion, the judge should be knighted and the only way he could possibly go up any further in my estimations would be if he had uttered the line, ‘hold my wig’ to a member of the jury before cleaning out the sex pest.

Here’s the link to that story - http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/233457/Judge-rugby-tackles-fleeing-sex-offender

Haha, bears in human clothes

Leave Henry Alone!

A dwarf entertainer known as Demon Dan has been banned from performing at an Oxford University college ball, because the college dean does not believe an act where Dan pulls a vacuum cleaner with only his penis to be of the highest taste.

The pint-sized performer has been part of the Circus of Horrors show for the past 15 years, but the crux to this man’s productive career was found 12 years prior, as an Ewok in Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi. Yes, that’s right, a man who once played a cute, if slightly annoying, miniature bear is now pulling along Henry the Hoover with his gigglestick, for a living. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Demon Dan.

Here’s the link to that final story - http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/857426-dwarf-pulling-vacuum-cleaner-with-his-penis-banned-by-oxford-university

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Flavour Of The Week

Band of the Week - Cage the Elephant

The Kentucky Rocker's New Album

For those of you who have not heard of my pick for this week's band of the week, Cage the Elephant hail from Kentucky, United States and I guarantee you that the band's name is every bit as enigmatic as their music, but that's what makes the quintet such an endearing package. Spearheaded by eccentric frontman Matthew Shultz, the group fuse together your typical alternative rock with a partially revived punk blues sound.

The band's first, self-titled, album, Cage the Elephant, was recorded in just 10 days, released to great critical acclaim, and left its listeners reeling from a sound that hit them like "a punch in the face" according to lead vocalist, Shultz. So, what's to like about that? Their first album tells tales of guilty pleasures, none more so than on their third released single, Ain't No Rest for the Wicked, and to tell you the truth, their light-hearted take on all things socially relevant is hard not to be enticed by.

So, what now for the raucous five-piece? On their upcoming second album, Thank You Happy Birthday, they seek to find a more soulful sound, indicative of their growing age and maturity as a band. If their first single, Shake Me Down, is anything to go by, Cage the Elephant have finally found a less turbulent, more concise sound, that they seemingly ease into in natural fashion. As expected, vibrant guitar flourishes and Shultz's raw emotion are still prominent throughout the course of the track. In my opinion, the band have finally found their forté in their latest helping of controlled chaos.

Their new album is scheduled for release on iTunes on 21st March and here's the link to the brand new single, Shake Me Down - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v27TRan1SBI

If You Listen to Anything this Week, Listen to...
Foo Fighters - Rope:

A Beautiful Man, With A Beautiful 'Stache

Dress it up however you like, Foo Fighters kick ass. In fact, they have the ability to repeatedly kick ass, then provide an in-depth commentary into just how they kick ass, and present it as a single. Their latest helping of refined brashness is no different. The typical Foo formula for success is instigated once again on new single, Rope. Throw together Dave Grohl's ingenious songwriting along with a purely emotion-fuelled performance on the drums as well as one hell of a guitar solo too, and, hey presto, you've got yourself another hit.

You can't help but wonder that, if it wasn't for Dave Grohl et al, the rock-based music scene would be a whole lot less exciting, dominated by Nickelback, and, as a consequence, the world would be a worse place to live in. Here's the link to new single, Rope - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=At3rZUgQsh8

Cults - Go Outside:
My second single of the week is the brainchild of a band whose image is possibly more innocent than kittens, rainbows and a Mogwai rolled into one. Boy/girl duo Cults are an unknown quantity to some extent; I could tell you more about quantum physics than I could about their history as a band. This is largely down to the fact that searching for information on the group seems to be a less worthwhile effort than searching for the meaning of life, but mainly because I am, in fact, a young, British, facial hairless Albert Einstein.

With a lazy bassline reminiscent, in effect, to that of Peter, Bjorn, and John's cult hit, Young Folks, Go Outside floats on like a dream, pausing only to appreciate it's own natural beauty, as pertained through it's softly cutting glockenspiel melody. Here's the link to that song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHhEBqRTXdk

Two for the Weekend

Two for the Weekend

As any football fan will know, as soon as the footballing calendar passes the halfway mark and the January transfer window shuts, the ante of each and every single match is well and truly upped, both for the players, and the managers. This weekend presents the neutral with many a reason to be excited. So, here are my picks for the two most interesting match-ups of the weekend.

F.A. Cup - Stoke City Vs Brighton and Hove Albion

For me, regardless of the hype surround the supposed ultimate David Vs Goliath tie of Manchester United Vs Crawley Town, the most interesting match of this week's F.A. Cup fifth round is the one taking place at the Britannia Stadium. Firstly because I believe that the match-up at Old Trafford will be a fairly anti-climactic one, but secondly, and more importantly, I see there being a, not so farfetched, possibility of Gus Poyet's men turning over the Potters, or at least taking them to a replay.



The Thorn in Stoke's Side?

Of course, the odds are firmly stacked against Brighton, however in the past two rounds of the competition, the Seagulls have seen off stronger opposition in Portsmouth, and, more recently, Watford with English-born Austrian striker, Ashley Barnes, proving clinical on both occasions. Another factor that may work in Gus Poyet's favour is that on several occasions this season, Stoke have faltered against weaker opposition at home including a 1-0 loss to Blackpool and a 1-1 draw with Cardiff.

Key Man - Elliott Bennett

Gus Poyet has this week stressed that he will not stray too far from the side's usual attractive passing blueprint, so Brighton's efficiency of ball retention is going to be key, and I see Elliott Bennett as being pivotal to the outcome of Saturday's match. In Bennett, the Seagulls possess a player that has everything in his locker, goals, flair, pace to burn and Premier League potential. Regardless of their stature, Stoke are renowned for having a rather sluggish back-four and I'm sure the twenty-two year-old midfielder will fancy his chances up against them.

My Prediction - Stoke City 2-1 Brighton and Hove Albion
Although they're very much the underdogs in this tie, I wouldn't rule out Brighton getting a result this weekend. The main worry for the side, currently top of League 1, is that they may be prone to tiring after the hour mark, as with many lower league teams.

npower Championship - Nottingham Forest Vs Cardiff City

If other results in the division work in favour of these opposing teams on Saturday, then either Billy Davies' men or Dave Jones' can expect to be sitting pretty in second position in the npower Championship, come Sunday morning. With the prize of promotion to the Premier League being the most lucrative in world football, it's arguably one of the most crucial games left on any domestic fixutre list, but I'm not expecting a cagey affair.

A Familiar Sight at the City Ground

With Cardiff possessing Premier League talent within their ranks such as loanees Aaron Ramsay and Craig Bellamy, and Saturday's opposition having been beaten by lowly Scunthorpe United in the week, it'd be all too easy to write off the Reds. However, Forest haven't been beaten at the City Ground all season, and hold onto an astonishing record of not having lost having scored the first goal in a league match in little over four years. So, on this occasion more than ever, the first goal is going to be crucial to the outcome of this weekend's clash in Nottingham.

Key Man - Robert Earnshaw

As I said, the first goal is going to be crucial to this match. If Forest's stalwart centre-half pairing of Wes Morgan and Luke Chambers can stem the threat of Jay Bothroyd for long enough, then whether he starts or not, the role that Robert Earnshaw plays in this fixture could be vital. His truly explosive nature as a player, and his keen taste for the bigger games may prove to be a combination too lethal for Cardiff to deal with. 

My Prediction - Nottingham Forest 2-1 Cardiff City
The Bluebirds are yet to score against Forest at the last three times of asking, and, although I think they'll bring an end to the goal drought, I believe that Dave Jones will find his side on the wrong end of a 2-1 result.

Obviously I haven't decided to pick out the Black Country derby on here, but that's because I was going to do a feature on it for tomorrow if anyone wanted me to. So, let me know. I'll be back next week with my best of the week's music on Thursday. Have a great weekend

The BAFTAs & the Best of the Rest

Just briefly before I get into the core of this week's first post, I'd like to apologise for the three week delay of this belated blog post. So yeah, I just hope that you guys have all maintained interest and enjoy this week's first post as much as ever. On a lighter note, the attention on the blog has been overwhelming since I began doing it, so I'd like to thank each and every one of you for the support. Anyway, onto this week's first post.

The BAFTAs
In the past few weeks Tom Hooper's masterpiece, The King's Speech, has practically steamrolled any obstacle that has stood in its way. Now, the juggernaut, recently re-fuelled by the awarding of seven BAFTAs, looks set to take over the world under the guidance of Kalashnikov wielding Colin Firth. Of course, I jest, the film strolls along at a rather befitting pace that will suit fans of historical dramas and general filmgoers alike. So, what did we learn from the BAFTAs apart from the fact that Christopher Lee is entirely composed of dust and that Jonathan Ross has suddenly sprouted a poo smear moustache? One thing I, personally, learned is that Inception is a better film than The King's Speech. Don't get me wrong; I think The King's Speech is a brilliant piece of cinematography that makes me proud to be British. However, the fact of the matter is that BAFTA, being the British counterpart of the Oscars, has historically favoured any piece of British influence in the major awards if it has had the opportunity to do so.  



Star of the Show - Sir Christopher Lee

The King's Speech is undoubtedly a fantastic film, but I just think it lacks the certain unique qualities and revolutionary, outlandish story that is required for a timeless masterpiece these days, the same for which cannot be said of Inception. Who knows though? I could, and most likely will, be wrong. After all, the whole point of film is that it's subjective. All controversial opinion aside, I think anyone would find it hard to disagree with me that the highlight of this year's BAFTAs was the appearance of the man, the legend, Saruman himself, Sir Christopher Lee. Although his declining physical condition was plain to see, the eighty-eight year old did not let it detract from his usual fine public form after being rewarded with BAFTA's equivalent of the lifetime achievement award. His entire display at the awards is testament to his attitude towards the acting profession and life itself. As he neared the end of his acceptance speech, Lee was one of the last few people in the room to be reduced to tears. These were the tears of a man who had achieved everything he could have ever hoped for in life, which, I personally think, is a goal that each and every one of us should aspire to.

The Best of the Rest
And They Call It Pillow Love

Definitely Going to Bed Her

Personally, I'd describe myself as someone who is of the firm belief that you can't help who you fall in love with, and that any sexuality motivated discrimination is entirely vacuous. That being said, a man in Japan has, this week, married his pillow which lead to me briefly falling victim to a laughter-induced coma. In marrying his pillow, Lee Jin-gyu has joined a long list of people who are of the self-described objectum sexuality, which includes female American objectophile, Erika Eiffel, infamous wife of the Eiffel Tower. Mr Jin-gyu even stuck a photo of an anime character onto the front of the pillow, presumably to prevent the whole ceremony from getting a bit too weird. The pillow itself was dolled up from head to...well, bottom of pillow in a flowing white dress to fully convey the entirely serious nature of the occasion. Anyway, I think all of us have something to take from this story. Like me for instance, after reading this story I briefly saw my coffee table in a new light, before looking back at the photo of a pillow in a wedding dress, and continuing to laugh hysterically.

My Big Fat Gypsy Dance-Off

Gypsies Watch Step Up Too!

We know them, we watch them. Regardless of whether we love or hate gypsies recent news has lead us to believe one thing about them: that they love street dance. Little is known about the gypsy. Some say they're tax dodgers, others say they steal anything that you don't nail down. Of course, this is all hearsay, and none of it should be believed...okay, so maybe some of it should. Anyway, in the past week, travellers currently settled in the Shirenewton site in Cardiff have been awarded £4,690 in cash by the All Lottery Grant which will fund the visitation of specialist hip-hop dance teachers to the site. The group of gypsies being taught are scheduled to perform in June to mark Gypsy Roma and Traveller History Month. A local gypsy worker, Loren Morris, stated that she was not happy with the "very negative images of gypsies and travellers portrayed in recent television programmes." Gypsy's Got Talent begins on ITV next Satu...just kidding.

Anyway, Shmallow fans, that's your lot for today. Thank you again for all your support.

Weekly Roundup – Royal Rubbers, Chase & Status & YouTube’s Fountain Lady Sues.

Story of the Week – Royal Wedding Condoms.

Prick on the box, protection inside

To commemorate the year in which Prince William and Kate Middleton are scheduled to ‘tie the knot’, condom manufacturers Crown have released a new brand of regal prophylactics aptly named, Crown Jewels. Aside from bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘royally fucked’, the condoms are of a usual standard…except for the fact that they don’t actually work. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly; the rubber raincoats are nothing more than a commemorative heirloom product.

To me, the fact that they don’t actually serve any yielding purpose is a crying shame. Partly because I, for one, can’t think of a more effective form of birth control than a man seeing the Queen’s face on the end of his Johnson, and partly because it detracts from the overarching novelty of the product. The condoms would be of little use within the monarchy anyway, even if they did work. I can’t exactly imagine them being of any interest to Prince Phillip once he realises they were produced outside of the UK.

Anyway, for all those who are interested, here’s the link to the story - http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/854024-lie-back-and-think-of-england-with-royal-wedding-condoms

Musicians of the Week – Chase & Status.

No More Idols

For the past few years now, all those who have followed electronic production duo Chase & Status with any interest at all will know full well that they’ve been destined to hit the lofty heights of stardom ever since the release of their 2008 album More Than Alot. A personal favourite of my own, the band encompasses all things underground and, through some miraculous triumph, manages to channel them into, what can only be termed as a masterclass manual on how to construct a club banger in each and every one of their tracks.

I’m not professing to have discovered untapped talent in this duo, they’ve been around for years, but they finally look set to reap the rewards on their upcoming album. Set for release on the 31^st of this month, No More Idols sees Chase & Status finally channel their efforts into their long awaited dubstep, DnB, breakbeat and grime infused masterpiece. I’ve never been one to harp on about a band's sound becoming tainted instantaneously as they hit the big time, but the grit generated by the cheap synths and the grimey undertones are central to this group’s sound. Having heard the album already, I can’t help but feel that despite the plethora of celebrity cameos from artists such as Tinie Tempah and Cee Lo Green, Chase & Status seem to produce their best when the onus is solely on them.

All in all, their new album is brilliant, and I don’t use that term lightly. Although not all of them hit the mark, some of the cameos complement the hard-hitting sound of the duo perfectly as on the track Heavy featuring king of grime, Dizzee Rascal. 

Here's the link to my favourite track of the album, Heavy Ft. Dizzee Rascal - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwTgm1I76gU

Video of the Week – Fountain Woman Sues.
Now, you’ve got your run of the mill idiots; you know the type. They’re the kind of people who shut their fingers in the car door every now and then. However, you also have a different breed of idiot. These idiots are the kind of people who manage to frequently faceplant onto absolutely anything. Cathy Cruz AKA fountain woman however, is in a whole league of her own. If it was up to me this league would probably be contained within a padded room where all sharp corners were covered so as to ensure that she couldn’t die as a result of her own stupidity, but it’s not, and she probably will. For those of you that haven’t seen the video clip on YouTube already, here it is:
Here’s the link to that final video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPpzj4PjNjU. Not that I’m cruel or anything, but if you hit pause, then play, then ‘2’ repeatedly you can clearly see that her diving form is nothing to write home about.

Anyway, in the past few days, Ms Cruz has participated in an interview on ABC news to state that she is going to sue all parties responsible for her accident. ABC made their stance on the issue clear by treating it with the utmost sensitivity; they can even be shown to refer to her as the ‘Tumbling Texter’ at 1:24. It’s not that I don’t feel sorry for the woman slightly, but her defence doesn’t do her any favours. The YouTube sensation states that "Not one single person went to my aid" at one point during the video. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but it’s almost physically impossible to drown in the few inches of water contained within that fountain and anyone that manages to accomplish such a moronic feat probably deserves to. Other classic lines such as "I could’ve walked into a bus" level criticism at the notorious American bus routes that travel directly through malls. Maybe I’m being harsh on Ms Cruz; she’s not the only total douchebag involved in this story. After all, the mall security’s response time to attend to the situation was 20 minutes! 20 minutes! I could shave a bearded baby in that period of time, although, I’m not quite sure why I’d want to.

Finally, I’ll leave you guys with one last message straight from the horse’s mouth, in the wise words of Cathy Cruz: "Don’t text and walk". Until next week, stay safe kids.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOBZmNVgOz0&feature=fvsr

The Dawn of a New Era?



Pair of Pricks & a Trophy.



Throughout the past week, and the past few days especially, it’s been nigh-on impossible to ignore the self-described "banterous" and rather primitive actions of the, now former, Sky Sports live football presenters (and commentator in the case of the latter) Richard Keys and Andy Gray. Sadly, the fortune of the sport itself looks to temporarily decline as a consequence of their juvenile actions, however this isn’t simply a sporting matter. The action taken by Sky Sports was thoroughly just, regardless of whether it’s a common occurrence down a local pub or not. The fact of the matter is that the pair’s comments have only served to bring a premature end to what could have been a prolonged timeframe endured by the sport without the much maligned sexist stigma attached to it.

Sexism in Sport.

I am in no way saying that sexism doesn’t exist as banter, but the axiom of banter is that it operates on a playful level and is in no way suited to offend or undermine, this however, has succeeded in achieving both. One of the main issues that I take with all of this is that the acts of two individuals have been generalised across an entire population of people, to whom football is a way of life, by the media. To say that sexism is still rife in English football is entirely vacuous. Since the playing days of footballers such as Andy Gray, the game has come a long way, and that’s gone largely unnoticed. You only have to view the efficiency in which other, past issues surrounding the sport have been largely removed. Racism for instance has been vastly eradicated from football over here in comparison to other countries which are yet to replicate such a feat, and that’s an achievement that should not be underestimated.

The Knock-on Effect.
The other main issue that I take with this story is the exploitation of assistant referee Sian Massey. Obviously she’s the victim in this microcosmic situation of sexism itself, but isolating her as a character that people should empathise with benefits her in no way whatsoever. Massey is a professional; she’s knowingly pursued a career in the sport when, as in all walks of life, she understood the possibility of such moronic displays of sexism. The entire purpose of removing sexism from the sport is so that professionals of both genders can be treated equally. In placing Ms Massey on a pedestal, the very people who seek to destroy the issue of sexism have, ironically, served to create a new gap of inequality. Sexism encompasses the entire female population; making Sian Massey a figure of prominence in the issue simply heightens the severity of it. As a person who assumedly has a genuine passion for the sport, I’m sure the last thing this assistant referee needs is a cause of further exploitation to possible discrimination that she may experience in her line of work.

It's a Bit of a Gray Area.

Now, I know that it’s a topic that’s largely up for debate and I for one believe that sexism is a topic that can be banterous between both genders in equal measure, but Keys’ defence in particular has shown remorse. The remorse can’t be found in the substance of his apology, but it’s extremely prevalent in the accidental hilarity of the style of his apology. Unfortunately for Mr Keys he sought to stupidly blame Rio Ferdinand, Sky Sports, Karren Brady not answering her phone, "dark forces at work", and probably everything else Jedi-related too. The only dark forces I’m yet to see "at work" however, were the presenter's ape-like knuckles scraping the ground of the Sky Sports studios during his "did you smash it?" remark aimed at Jamie Redknapp in relation to having sex with a previous girlfriend of his. Gray on the other hand has finally seen sense and chosen only to break his silence on the issue in an effort to blame Sky’s decision being based on the notion of paving the way to giving football on Sky a fresher, younger aura.

Sexism Isn't Just a One-way Street. 
As the former presenter stated and as I myself previously said, sexism can occur in equal measure from each gender to the other. It’s purely subjective to the individual it’s aimed at, some may treat the issue with great severity, whilst others may simply shrug it off. This won’t be the death of football in any way, shape or form, but it won’t be the death of sexism either. The fact of the matter is that, as with all issues, sexism won’t ‘die’, but it appears that both the perpetrators and the defenders of these most recent actions have served no further purpose than to intensify such problems.

Weeky Roundup - Paul the Octopus, Benjamin Francis Leftwich & charlieissocoollike

Here is just a brief flavour of my past week: what I've been reading, what I've been watching and what I've been listening to. I hope you all enjoy the links and your weekend itself.

My Artist of the Week - Benjamin Francis Leftwich.
For the past few years, the genre of acoustic music has undergone somewhat of a revival and has thrived under the messiah-esque influence of such artists as Damien Rice, Joshua Radin and Newton Faulkner to name but a few. But the artist that I want to talk to you about today brings a new vibe to the genre, a vibe with clear intentions to abolish the somewhat depression-enducing stigma that has become synonymous with most things acoustic.

The artist that I refer to is Benjamin Francis Leftwich. Leftwich's sound could be most appropriately described as a refreshingly optimistic blend of lyrics that sprout roots from the very beginning of each song before immediately flourishing with an ever-increasing allure that makes the Yorkshire-born songwriter so effortless to listen to. Each line that Leftwich recites is tied to the next by a vocal delivery that befittingly carries a delicate conviction that only he has yet been able to pull off with such success. This troubadour is surely destined for success as long as he continues to bear the same enchanting, ethereal aura in his music as he has so far. To me, he is a must for any fans of Joshua Radin, Damien Rice, Jose Gonzalez and even Jazon Mraz.

Here's the link to my pick of his songs: Atlas Hands - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pyue2N1XZ0M&playnext=1&list=PL6ECDF5856A1EE64C&index=68

My Story of the Week - Paul the Octopus Becomes Larger Than Life.
As some of you may know, earlier this week, football World Cup prediction sensation Paul the octopus  had a memorial built in honour of his unrivalled achievements. By unrivalled achievements I mean he would swim over to one of two boxes bearing the flags of two opposing nations prior to a World Cup match to attempt to retrieve a mussel contained within each box. Seemingly whichever box the octopus chose to approach first - before dry-humping it senseless - was chosen as the cephalopod's 'prediction', and throughout the World Cup every prediction that he made was proven to be correct. The one major flaw to this whole process was the fact that on most occasions Paul opted for the box on the right side of the tank, which also coincidentally represented the more favoured team to win each match.

Now, I have no problem with pointless memorials but this tops the lot. Don't get me wrong; I love Paul the octopus, but it's the kind of undeserved credit that makes you think maybe Jeremy Kyle deserves a knighthood for his services in the field of supplying prospective McDonald's staff with free advertising on television. I also think that if you're going to produce a monument at least don't make a six foot replica of an octopus shooting a giant football out of its own fart box. I've come to the conclusion that the monument either looks like that, or a deleted scene from Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Anyway, regardless of my opinion, the monument has been erected and Paul the octopus will presumably stand the test of time. Surely this marks a dawn to a new era in which future monuments will be erected for our generation's most talented, such as a ten foot tall Cillit Bang bottle in honour of Barry Scott oustanding services to advertising.

Here's the link to the photo of the monument and the story itself - http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110120/ap_on_sp_ot/eu_germany_octopus_oracle

My Video of the Week - The Alex and Charlie Pilot.
Last but not least here's my video of the week. I'm going to keep it short and sweet but any fans of YouTube celebrities Charlie McDonnell, Alex Day or simply YouTube 'vloggers' in general will love this video. He's a personal favourite of mine and I'd say he's definitely worth a look.

So yeah, here's that link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7DML3VDlTA

Anyway guys, that's your lot from me for this week. I'm also contemplating whether to continue with the two blog posts a week or whether to simply revert to one which I can just put more time and effort into. So I need your opinion, to offer it to me simply vote in the poll on the right-hand side of your screen. Thanks.

Interrobangs, Herpes & You.

First of all, I'd just really like to thank you all for the attention, praise and any other various comments that the blog has received over the past week. I really can't thank you guys enough, and I hope you continue to read and enjoy. Anyway, today, I thought I'd let you guys know about a couple of things that have obtained my attention over the past week.

WTF of the Week - Interrobang‽
As a complete, self-confessed nerd when it comes to all things grammar, seeing this made me pee a little. A cross between the exclamation mark and the question mark and with a name that would be befitting of a movie you'd quite likely find on RedTube - or so a friend told me...-, the interrobang should - in my opinion - rather appropriately be the unofficial emblem of the new age, social networking, WTF culture. This ingenious creation was the brainchild of the late, great and totally unknown Martin K. Speckter. Mr Speckter came up with the idea for the punctuation mark whilst in charge of an advertising firm in an effort to combine both an interrogative and exclamatory mood into one convenient symbol.

Now, in my opinion Mr Speckter's invention has been vastly underrated and underappreciated in favour of the more ungrammatical usage of '!?' which poses little to no stylistic integrity whatsoever. The man's almost accidental tongue-in-cheek approach to advertising is something that I believe should be echoed in eternity purely for novelty value. I sort of hold him in the same regard as I hold Morgan Freeman: I don't view him as a maven in his field of interest, but I'd happily see him looked upon as God...or at least CEO of the newly renamed Interrobangland in Orlando, Florida. Just a bit of a novelty really but I proclaim that the upcoming week should be World Interrobang Week in celebration of this truly unique creation. So guys, let's get this circulating throughout the social networking domain.WTF are you waiting for‽

Gripe of the Week - The Herpes Effect.
It's essentially a fact that every single one of us has a niggling problem in our lives in the here and now. This could be a problem that manifested itself from nothing or a problem that could have been procured from someone else's problems. I like call this The Herpes Effect. So today, I'd like to explain - preferrably without the aid of diagrams - what I mean by this very ambiguous definition. If you clicked on this link hoping for information on a more personal matter then I can all but recommend seeing a specialist in this field...just don't google blue waffle...no seriously, don't. Like a backstreet hooker that can't keep her legs shut, the world rather unashamedly spews venom out of its bajingo on a daily basis. The fact of the matter is that in the highly energized and confident generation that we've been born into problems become more focused and chronic, and The Herpes Effect is becoming a more prominent factor in this.

What I intend to mean by The Herpes Effect is a hybrid of two things. It is partly the process by which problems can worsen and become more contagious via the evolution of discussing them with people whom also have insecurites in that particular area thus making them harder to relieve yourself of. In the main however, it is the problem itself. We all have that one person whose presence simply makes us feel like chundering everywah. It's not petty or consciously controlled; it's just fact that we find that person too outlandish for our own liking. They're just the sort of person that if you'd have grown up with from a young age you'd imagine them to be the one pretending to be a Pokémon or shoving crayons up their arse. It's just not pretty or particularly endearing...unless you hate crayons I guess.

So there you go guys, that's your lot until my best bits of the week tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy it, and none of it's intended to be taken too literally.

The Past Week in Links - Alcoholic Birds, Funeral Party & Rémi Gaillard.

As the working week draws to a close I thought I'd keep you guys filled in about gems from across the interwebs - YouTube specifically - and the world in general that have kept me occupied for the past 5 days. So I hope you all enjoy them.

My Band of the Week - Funeral Party.
Hailing from the city of Whittier in California, my selection for band of the week are what can only be described as an eccentric almagamation of alternative/indie rock/dance punk/any other genre you can think of, Funeral Party. This band seem to tick all the right boxes when it comes to embodying an abundance of all the qualities that modern-day music has seemingly become bereft of. The first time I had the chance to hear the highly energetic quintet was live at Reading Festival 2010 at the Festival Republic Stage. In little over half an hour they managed to win-over what was a somewhat subdued crowd at the start of the show with their own, seemingly patented, clusterfuck of craziness. With their debut album scheduled to be available on iTunes from the 24th of this month, Funeral Party seem set to be one of the hottest bands of 2011 and I honestly can't recommend this band highly enough to anyone who's open to embracing a new, raw, crisp sound.

Link to their debut single NYC Moves to the Sound of LA - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1ZR9R9LVeQ

My Story of the Week - Binge Drinking Birds.
As some of you may of heard, during the beginning of 2011 there were reports of masses of birds unfathomably plunging to the ground and perishing throughout the globe. Now, whilst many scientists have rather predictably identified numerous, conflicting reasons for the vast carnage, the head of the veterinary authority in the city of Constanta, Romania discovered a more peculiar cause. Romeu Lazar found that "tests on five birds showed gizzards full of grape marc which caused their death," which is a by-product formed from the production of wine. So in summary, the birds were off their faces, and as a consequence must have thought themselves to be indestructible. It's not that I don't find this story tragic, but it does kind make me wonder as to whether a new special edition of Angry Birds may become available on the iTunes App Store soon. Also, when I think of an intoxicated entity hitting the deck I can't help but think of a boozy, loudmouth faceplant onto the curb as they come out of a club on a Friday night out. Now it's not that I shouldn't be mature enough to look at that with a straight face at my age, but I think it's an event that always verges on the point of being piss-pants-hilarious to anyone that happens to be there.

Anyway, here's the link to that rather crazy story - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41037289/ns/world_news-europe/

Video of the Week - Top 10 Sports (Rémi GAILLARD).
If you've ever been an active user of YouTube for more than a few months, you will fully understand that it's almost nigh on impossible to escape the charistmatic yet cringeworthy charm of a Rémi Gaillard video. Now the YouTube phenomenon's back with his latest hit that had me accidentally spraying deodrant into my mouth then consequently pulling a face like I'd been shot in the buttock and laughing, all whilst getting ready on a Tuesday morning. His latest creation may only be a compilation of former glories, but its humour still has the same fresh allure as it always has, plus it's almost as funny as birds getting pissed. Definitely worth a look.

Top 10 Sports (Rémi GAILLARD) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kga0eKfeeTE

So guys, those are my best webgems of the week; I hope you all enjoy them half as much as I did. My next blog post will be up by next Thursday, and I hope you all stick with me and keep on reading.

Song Lyrics, Aliens, & Joe Dolce.

Introduction.

As unspoken a topic as it may be, the influence of lyrics embodied within both: the structure and mood of a song is undeniably one of the most primitive yet refined methods of provoking a whole array of emotions a select individual never even knew existed. I personally think that whether people view music as a life choice or alternatively adopt the approach of viewing music as simply a form of escapism, at some point or another in every human being’s lives they have heard a line in a song that has enhanced an extreme positive or negative emotion that they were feeling at the time.

Life's Soundtrack.

Whilst to some people this point may seem rather moot, my own personal view is that for every significant point in life we tend to play out our own soundtrack. This soundtrack is largely based on our emotions which are, in turn, of intrinsic value to a vast number of songs that were crafted by individuals who were also experiencing identical emotions at their point of inspiration. By means of expressing that point in a less convoluted manner, it’s similar to the way that in if a friend experiences a serious situation, be it traumatic or otherwise, they will have gained a knowledge of how to handle such a situation. Now, my point is that if your life happens to play out a similar situation, then your friend, having experienced the same, will provide you with a point of reference for you to deal with the circumstances. Likewise, in times of modern-day supreme emotion we seem to almost instinctively turn to music and the lyrics contained within music as somewhat of a tangible way of viewing our emotions. The beauty of all of this is that even lyrics that don’t seem as palpable in definition are open to interpretation and are therefore open to expressing a variety of different emotions to the people that listen to them.

Why Shia LaBeouf Is The Devil.

I’m not one to be hyperbolic and I’m in no way going to profess that Shaddap You Face by Joe Dolce could provide me or any of you with the pearls of wisdom that we seek to cope with life’s emotional highs and lows any better, but you can’t deny that it makes you feel something. I personally love my iPod and think that the world would be a much glummer place without music, but I respect that a lot of your views will conflict mine in a whole host of ways; it’s just human nature. However, in the wise words of Shia LaBeouf - in reference to his iPod in D. J. Caruso’s Disturbia – "That’s 60 gigs of my life." I think we can all agree with Mr LaBeouf. A truly talented actor as demonstrated in all of his films, apart from in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. No, wait, WTF!? Aliens!?…and Transformers…and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen… and Eagle Eye…Even Stevens wasn’t bad? But all rhetoric aside, wise words from Mr TheBeef nevertheless.

What Music Means To Me.

So, to summarise, I believe that music is underrated and very much underestimated as being a form of communicative medium. I feel that a single line in a song can allow us to spearhead a movement out of life’s darkest times equally as much as it can allow us extract the best out of life for our own personal wellbeing. Lest us not forget that the workings of musicians such as Bob Marley and John Lennon haven’t just assisted people like ourselves through times of great emotion, they’ve shaped the world we live in today. I believe that to be a power that we should never take for granted.