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| Prick on the box, protection inside |
To commemorate the year in which Prince William and Kate Middleton are scheduled to ‘tie the knot’, condom manufacturers Crown have released a new brand of regal prophylactics aptly named, Crown Jewels. Aside from bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘royally fucked’, the condoms are of a usual standard…except for the fact that they don’t actually work. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly; the rubber raincoats are nothing more than a commemorative heirloom product.
To me, the fact that they don’t actually serve any yielding purpose is a crying shame. Partly because I, for one, can’t think of a more effective form of birth control than a man seeing the Queen’s face on the end of his Johnson, and partly because it detracts from the overarching novelty of the product. The condoms would be of little use within the monarchy anyway, even if they did work. I can’t exactly imagine them being of any interest to Prince Phillip once he realises they were produced outside of the UK.
Anyway, for all those who are interested, here’s the link to the story - http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/854024-lie-back-and-think-of-england-with-royal-wedding-condoms
To me, the fact that they don’t actually serve any yielding purpose is a crying shame. Partly because I, for one, can’t think of a more effective form of birth control than a man seeing the Queen’s face on the end of his Johnson, and partly because it detracts from the overarching novelty of the product. The condoms would be of little use within the monarchy anyway, even if they did work. I can’t exactly imagine them being of any interest to Prince Phillip once he realises they were produced outside of the UK.
Anyway, for all those who are interested, here’s the link to the story - http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/854024-lie-back-and-think-of-england-with-royal-wedding-condoms
Musicians of the Week – Chase & Status.
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| No More Idols |
For the past few years now, all those who have followed electronic production duo Chase & Status with any interest at all will know full well that they’ve been destined to hit the lofty heights of stardom ever since the release of their 2008 album More Than Alot. A personal favourite of my own, the band encompasses all things underground and, through some miraculous triumph, manages to channel them into, what can only be termed as a masterclass manual on how to construct a club banger in each and every one of their tracks.
I’m not professing to have discovered untapped talent in this duo, they’ve been around for years, but they finally look set to reap the rewards on their upcoming album. Set for release on the 31st of this month, No More Idols sees Chase & Status finally channel their efforts into their long awaited dubstep, DnB, breakbeat and grime infused masterpiece. I’ve never been one to harp on about a band's sound becoming tainted instantaneously as they hit the big time, but the grit generated by the cheap synths and the grimey undertones are central to this group’s sound. Having heard the album already, I can’t help but feel that despite the plethora of celebrity cameos from artists such as Tinie Tempah and Cee Lo Green, Chase & Status seem to produce their best when the onus is solely on them.
All in all, their new album is brilliant, and I don’t use that term lightly. Although not all of them hit the mark, some of the cameos complement the hard-hitting sound of the duo perfectly as on the track Heavy featuring king of grime, Dizzee Rascal.
I’m not professing to have discovered untapped talent in this duo, they’ve been around for years, but they finally look set to reap the rewards on their upcoming album. Set for release on the 31st of this month, No More Idols sees Chase & Status finally channel their efforts into their long awaited dubstep, DnB, breakbeat and grime infused masterpiece. I’ve never been one to harp on about a band's sound becoming tainted instantaneously as they hit the big time, but the grit generated by the cheap synths and the grimey undertones are central to this group’s sound. Having heard the album already, I can’t help but feel that despite the plethora of celebrity cameos from artists such as Tinie Tempah and Cee Lo Green, Chase & Status seem to produce their best when the onus is solely on them.
All in all, their new album is brilliant, and I don’t use that term lightly. Although not all of them hit the mark, some of the cameos complement the hard-hitting sound of the duo perfectly as on the track Heavy featuring king of grime, Dizzee Rascal.
Video of the Week – Fountain Woman Sues.
Now, you’ve got your run of the mill idiots; you know the type. They’re the kind of people who shut their fingers in the car door every now and then. However, you also have a different breed of idiot. These idiots are the kind of people who manage to frequently faceplant onto absolutely anything. Cathy Cruz AKA fountain woman however, is in a whole league of her own. If it was up to me this league would probably be contained within a padded room where all sharp corners were covered so as to ensure that she couldn’t die as a result of her own stupidity, but it’s not, and she probably will. For those of you that haven’t seen the video clip on YouTube already, here it is:
Here’s the link to that final video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPpzj4PjNjU. Not that I’m cruel or anything, but if you hit pause, then play, then ‘2’ repeatedly you can clearly see that her diving form is nothing to write home about.
Anyway, in the past few days, Ms Cruz has participated in an interview on ABC news to state that she is going to sue all parties responsible for her accident. ABC made their stance on the issue clear by treating it with the utmost sensitivity; they can even be shown to refer to her as the ‘Tumbling Texter’ at 1:24. It’s not that I don’t feel sorry for the woman slightly, but her defence doesn’t do her any favours. The YouTube sensation states that "Not one single person went to my aid" at one point during the video. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but it’s almost physically impossible to drown in the few inches of water contained within that fountain and anyone that manages to accomplish such a moronic feat probably deserves to. Other classic lines such as "I could’ve walked into a bus" level criticism at the notorious American bus routes that travel directly through malls. Maybe I’m being harsh on Ms Cruz; she’s not the only total douchebag involved in this story. After all, the mall security’s response time to attend to the situation was 20 minutes! 20 minutes! I could shave a bearded baby in that period of time, although, I’m not quite sure why I’d want to.
Finally, I’ll leave you guys with one last message straight from the horse’s mouth, in the wise words of Cathy Cruz: "Don’t text and walk". Until next week, stay safe kids.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOBZmNVgOz0&feature=fvsr
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